It is perplexing how the simplest of settings can trigger the most important and life changing thoughts we have.
For instance, it occured to me today while I was having a shower that, I have been alive for approximately 17 years and 3 days and every single minute of my life i'm getting older...if i'm unhappy now with the way I am, emotionally, physically, mentally, then won't I continue to be unhappy until I make a point of doing something about it?

My family have always meant the world to me, but with every passing year it seems the foundations of every relationship with every member of it, are crumbling. I don't know how it manages to get this bad, I try so hard to fix everything and it's like I just make it worse. Do I just step back and allow things to happen or do I continue to step in and try and repair the irreparable? To reconcile with the father who never really was a father, and the grandparents who don't seem to care much for the knowledge of my existence...
I keep questioning myself why I care so much about other people, and about what other people think and I can never come to a conclusion.
When it comes to other people, I always back down whether i'm right or wrong, allow things to be my fault when they shouldn't be...But when it comes to my family, my mum, I always fight it, I know it hurts her and dissapoints her, and I can never stop myself.

Which is why I made the internal decision to do what my age is telling me and GROW UP.
I'm so tired of fighting with the people who mean the most to me and trying to please the ones who don't give a shit. I've wasted so much of my 17 years tip toeing around everyone elses feelings, pretending I don't care when I get hurt because it makes THEM happy.
I never stop to think about whether i'm happy.

I have so much about to happen in my life and i'm walking into it as though I don't even care, with all this other shit crowding up my mind, it's any wonder I managed to pull through last year at all.
I want this year to be the life changer, the end of the drama, the beggining of a new me... and I know that is something that i'm completely incapable of doing, no matter how badly I want it.