Monday, January 18, 2010
Monday, January 4, 2010
Today at 12:06 pm I handed the 475 bus driver a five dollar note and said; two hour, concession, zone one, please.
He proceeded to hand me the card and collect my change. After thanking him and retiring to a nearby bus seat, I realised that he had short changed me, which led to an internal arguement, should I leave it and forget he owes me money or should I return to the front and demand the money that is rightfully mine.
After much deliberation and self loathing at my pure weakness when it comes to defending myself, I came to the conclusion that it was MY MONEY and I couldn't just stand to be pushed around and walked all over by such an insignificant figure, one whom I may never see again.
I pressed the button when the bus was nearing my destination and slowly walked toward the driver, politely I told him that my bus ticket was $2.30, the payment was $5 and that he had only returned $1.70 in change. This annoyed him and in his heavy foreign accent he began to argue with me. I calmly reinstated that I had given him $5 dollars and that he owed me $2.70.
Much to my surprise he returned the correct change and scared me off the bus.
I continued on, slightly annoyed and slightly triumphant.
I endured a second encounter with that same driver on my return trip, as I stepped onto the bus I recieved a look of annoyance and disgust. Did he honestly think that standing up for myself was such a terrible thing to do? After validating my ticket I again retired to a nearby seat and told myself I would not let his pompous arrogance upset me. I had what was rightfully mine and I had not let him walk all over me.
Although this may seem a strange situation to retell, it still calls on the same question I ask myself in so many other situations. What gives these people the right to screw me over and get angry with me? And why do I always let people walk all over me?
I will be making a concious effort from now on to stand up for myself because this feeling of worthlessness is worse than any arrogant expression or remark I will ever recieve.
He proceeded to hand me the card and collect my change. After thanking him and retiring to a nearby bus seat, I realised that he had short changed me, which led to an internal arguement, should I leave it and forget he owes me money or should I return to the front and demand the money that is rightfully mine.
After much deliberation and self loathing at my pure weakness when it comes to defending myself, I came to the conclusion that it was MY MONEY and I couldn't just stand to be pushed around and walked all over by such an insignificant figure, one whom I may never see again.
I pressed the button when the bus was nearing my destination and slowly walked toward the driver, politely I told him that my bus ticket was $2.30, the payment was $5 and that he had only returned $1.70 in change. This annoyed him and in his heavy foreign accent he began to argue with me. I calmly reinstated that I had given him $5 dollars and that he owed me $2.70.
Much to my surprise he returned the correct change and scared me off the bus.
I continued on, slightly annoyed and slightly triumphant.
I endured a second encounter with that same driver on my return trip, as I stepped onto the bus I recieved a look of annoyance and disgust. Did he honestly think that standing up for myself was such a terrible thing to do? After validating my ticket I again retired to a nearby seat and told myself I would not let his pompous arrogance upset me. I had what was rightfully mine and I had not let him walk all over me.
Although this may seem a strange situation to retell, it still calls on the same question I ask myself in so many other situations. What gives these people the right to screw me over and get angry with me? And why do I always let people walk all over me?
I will be making a concious effort from now on to stand up for myself because this feeling of worthlessness is worse than any arrogant expression or remark I will ever recieve.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
It is perplexing how the simplest of settings can trigger the most important and life changing thoughts we have.
For instance, it occured to me today while I was having a shower that, I have been alive for approximately 17 years and 3 days and every single minute of my life i'm getting older...if i'm unhappy now with the way I am, emotionally, physically, mentally, then won't I continue to be unhappy until I make a point of doing something about it?
My family have always meant the world to me, but with every passing year it seems the foundations of every relationship with every member of it, are crumbling. I don't know how it manages to get this bad, I try so hard to fix everything and it's like I just make it worse. Do I just step back and allow things to happen or do I continue to step in and try and repair the irreparable? To reconcile with the father who never really was a father, and the grandparents who don't seem to care much for the knowledge of my existence...
I keep questioning myself why I care so much about other people, and about what other people think and I can never come to a conclusion.
When it comes to other people, I always back down whether i'm right or wrong, allow things to be my fault when they shouldn't be...But when it comes to my family, my mum, I always fight it, I know it hurts her and dissapoints her, and I can never stop myself.
Which is why I made the internal decision to do what my age is telling me and GROW UP.
I'm so tired of fighting with the people who mean the most to me and trying to please the ones who don't give a shit. I've wasted so much of my 17 years tip toeing around everyone elses feelings, pretending I don't care when I get hurt because it makes THEM happy.
I never stop to think about whether i'm happy.
I have so much about to happen in my life and i'm walking into it as though I don't even care, with all this other shit crowding up my mind, it's any wonder I managed to pull through last year at all.
I want this year to be the life changer, the end of the drama, the beggining of a new me... and I know that is something that i'm completely incapable of doing, no matter how badly I want it.
For instance, it occured to me today while I was having a shower that, I have been alive for approximately 17 years and 3 days and every single minute of my life i'm getting older...if i'm unhappy now with the way I am, emotionally, physically, mentally, then won't I continue to be unhappy until I make a point of doing something about it?
My family have always meant the world to me, but with every passing year it seems the foundations of every relationship with every member of it, are crumbling. I don't know how it manages to get this bad, I try so hard to fix everything and it's like I just make it worse. Do I just step back and allow things to happen or do I continue to step in and try and repair the irreparable? To reconcile with the father who never really was a father, and the grandparents who don't seem to care much for the knowledge of my existence...
I keep questioning myself why I care so much about other people, and about what other people think and I can never come to a conclusion.
When it comes to other people, I always back down whether i'm right or wrong, allow things to be my fault when they shouldn't be...But when it comes to my family, my mum, I always fight it, I know it hurts her and dissapoints her, and I can never stop myself.
Which is why I made the internal decision to do what my age is telling me and GROW UP.
I'm so tired of fighting with the people who mean the most to me and trying to please the ones who don't give a shit. I've wasted so much of my 17 years tip toeing around everyone elses feelings, pretending I don't care when I get hurt because it makes THEM happy.
I never stop to think about whether i'm happy.
I have so much about to happen in my life and i'm walking into it as though I don't even care, with all this other shit crowding up my mind, it's any wonder I managed to pull through last year at all.
I want this year to be the life changer, the end of the drama, the beggining of a new me... and I know that is something that i'm completely incapable of doing, no matter how badly I want it.
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